sarah-stirling

When Your Kid Whines and You Want to Scream: A Better Way Forward

sarah@parentingpresently.com (Sarah Stirling) — Sun, 08 Jun 2025 17:06:18 GMT

Whining: Why It Happens, Why It Triggers Us, and What We Can Do About It

Is there anything that grates on your nerves more than a child whining?

As a parent coach and a mom of two, I’ve got three key things to say about this:

You’re not crazy—your brain is wired to cringe when you hear whining.
Your child isn’t trying to drive you up the wall—they’re wired to do it.
You can reduce the whining.

Let’s unpack each one.

1. Why Whining Sets Parents Off

Whining isn't just annoying—it hits us on a deep, biological level.

Acoustically, whining shares characteristics with other distress vocalizations: it's high-pitched, prolonged, and unpredictable in tone. These are the exact features that our brains are hardwired to notice immediately—because, evolutionarily, they signaled that something was wrong and needed urgent attention. This response comes from your brain’s alarm system, specifically the amygdala, which triggers heightened emotional arousal, irritability, and stress hormone release.

Physiologically, it’s also uncomfortable. Dissonant tones—frequencies that clash rather than harmonize—are actually painful for the human auditory system. On top of that, whining doesn’t follow normal speech patterns; it’s drawn out and erratic. That unpredictability puts a cognitive load on your brain. You want to tune it out, but you can’t.

In short: Your body is reacting exactly as it was designed to.

And understanding this is incredibly validating.

2. Why Kids Whine Anyway

Here’s where it gets interesting. If our brains are so irritated by whining, why would our kids be wired to do it?

Because it works.

Children don’t whine to irritate you—they do it because it’s effective at getting their needs met. Whining is a communication tool . A primitive one, yes, but a tool nonetheless.

Especially for toddlers, whining fills the gap between crying and fully articulated language. It’s more focused than a cry, but not quite a polite request. It emerges before they’ve developed skills like emotional regulation or the ability to express themselves calmly and clearly.

Another important piece: Whining is often reinforced—without us realizing it.

Think about it: What typically happens when your child whines? Even if you’re frustrated, chances are you respond by giving attention, offering help, or fixing the problem. And even if your reaction is negative, it’s still a reaction—which reinforces the behavior. Over time, kids learn that whining is a reliable way to get a response.

Also remember: young children don’t yet have social filters. They aren’t thinking, “This might annoy Mom.” They’re thinking, “This might work.”

And from an evolutionary perspective, whining isn’t designed to be pleasant—it’s designed to be hard to ignore.

One more thing: Kids are much more likely to whine when they’re tired, hungry, overstimulated, or emotionally overloaded. When they don’t have the energy or regulation skills to express what they need clearly, whining spills out. It’s often a symptom of being maxed out.

3. So… How Do We Get Them to Whine Less?

The short answer? Give them better tools —and teach them how and when to use them.

Whining is often what comes out when kids can’t yet access calmer, more effective ways of communicating. So the goal isn't to shut down the whining immediately, but to build the skills that make whining less necessary over time.

Here’s how to do that:

1. Model Calm, Clear Communication

Kids learn communication by watching us. When they’re upset or overwhelmed, they need co-regulation before they can access self-regulation. That means:

Speak calmly, even when they’re not.
Use simple, clear language: “I want to help you. Can you tell me what you need without whining?”
Narrate your own feelings sometimes: “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I talk.”
This normalizes self-regulation and gives them a script to follow.

2. Name the Need Behind the Whine

Whining is usually a signal—not the real issue.

If your child whines, try to pause and reflect: What are they actually needing?

Connection?
A snack?
A break?
Help with something they can’t do yet?

Once you’ve identified the need, gently name it:
"You sound really tired. Let’s take a break together."
"You really want that toy right now, huh? That’s hard to wait."

This helps kids connect feelings → needs → words.

3. Give Them the Words

Sometimes kids whine because they literally don’t know what else to say.

Coach them in the moment by offering the words they could use instead:

“You can say, ‘Can I have a turn, please?’”
“Try, ‘Can you help me?’ instead of whining.”

You can also role-play these during calm moments, using toys or stories. Practice turns whining into play—which builds skills without the power struggle.

4. Reinforce the Upgrade

When your child does use a more regulated voice or makes an effort to express themselves without whining— celebrate it . You don’t need over-the-top praise, but a simple, warm response goes a long way:

“I love how you asked so clearly.”
“That was a great way to tell me what you needed.”
“Thank you for using your words.”

This reinforces the connection between effective communication and positive attention—which is ultimately what they’re after.

5. Stay Consistent, Not Perfect

It’s totally normal for kids to fall back on whining when they’re tired, dysregulated, or just having a rough day. The goal isn't perfection—it’s progress.

Try not to respond to whining by giving in or reacting strongly. Instead, think of yourself as their calm guide:

Acknowledge the feeling.
Hold the boundary.
Offer a more effective tool.

Over time, with consistent responses and lots of practice, the whining fades because the need for it fades.

Final Thought: Compassion Over Control

Whining isn’t a character flaw. It’s a developmental phase, and a signal that your child needs support building better communication and regulation skills.

Your job isn’t to shut it down, but to lead them through it .

You’re doing great. Truly.

My 4-Year-Old Asked Me About Death: Here's How I Answered Her

sarah@parentingpresently.com (Sarah Stirling) — Fri, 11 Oct 2024 20:25:15 GMT

What better time than after a marathon of a day, right before bed to talk about DEATH ☠️

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This One’s for the Fixers

sarah@parentingpresently.com (Sarah Stirling) — Sun, 29 Sep 2024 11:59:41 GMT

Why Meeting Feelings with Empathy Always Wins

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A Mother’s Day Reflection: Exploring Love Languages Through a Child’s Eyes

sarah@parentingpresently.com (Sarah Stirling) — Sun, 12 May 2024 11:21:38 GMT

In honor of Mother’s Day, let’s talk about love languages.

This internet meme says there are 37 love languages, but the textbooks say there are 5 primary love languages and I’m going with that for now.

The 5 love languages are:

�� Physical Touch

�� Gifts

��Words of Affirmation

��️Quality Time

�� Acts of Service

You may have heard this before and considered your primary love language, but have you ever thought about your child’s primary love language?

A child’s primary love language will change as they grow, and often, our primary love language tends to be whatever may have been a deficit in our own childhood.

As it relates to our children’s love languages, here are a few interesting facts about each one:

�� Physical touch

If you have a baby, this is going to be their primary love language.

Moving to the toddler stage, physical touch can evolve from being silly with games like patty cake to roughhousing as they grow a bit older.

It’s not uncommon for older children and teens to distance themselves physically a bit. At this point, sports are a great option or even just walking with your hand on their back, if they’re ok with it.

Our kids always need some form of physical touch or affection.

�� Gifts

I know you’re thinking…what kid doesn’t love gifts? Isn’t this every kid’s love language?

Well actually, no. If gifts are your child’s primary love language, it will be less about the actual gift than it is about the experience of opening the gift, and all the details. Is this gift wrapped? Was there a card? Are you close by while they open it? It’s more about the connection with you and knowing you saw something and thought of them.

��Words of Affirmation

Before my parent coach training, when I thought about words of affirmation, I thought of someone praising outcomes of my efforts or static personality traits. For example, if I got an A on a test, my parents might have said, “You’re so smart!” The only problem with that is where my mind goes the next time when I don’t get an A. Maybe I think I’m not smart?

Words of affirmation are best used to help build self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment. For example, you can comment on an action you saw your child take, and ask them questions about how it felt for them. Example: I saw you share your toy with your sister, how did you feel playing together? Acknowledgment and thoughtful questions facilitate connection with your child and help reinforce positive actions in future social situations.

If this is your child’s primary love language, they may be especially sensitive to any criticism from you and internalize it.

Never fear - a timely apology will go a long way.

��️ Quality time

I think we can agree our children all need to spend time with us.

The challenge here is most of us feel short on time. There are little things you can do to enhance the quality of your time together - like eye contact, asking thoughtful questions without yes/no answers, and giving them your full presence, even for shorter amounts of time.

I have a list of simple but effective strategies to turn limited time into quality time — email me at sarah@parentingpresently.com if you’d like it.

�� Acts of Service

This can be changing diapers for a little one, or picking up toys WITH your slightly older child, or helping them clean their room.

Children learn to do things by doing them with you. When they are old enough to do something by themselves, they will tell you so. Independence takes off around age 11.

Yes, we all wish we could count on them to clean their room independently before then, and sure, there are exceptions, but this is the neurologically appropriate expectation.

Digging Deeper

We could go much deeper on this topic, particularly as it relates to play and connection, and the specifics of your relationship dynamics with your children.

If you are ready to keep going, visit www.parentingpresently.com to book a free, 20-minute, no obligation consultation with me.

I hope whatever YOUR love language is, your family speaks it loud and clear today on Mother’s Day and always.

From Burnout to Bonding: 3 Steps for Quality Time with Your Kids

sarah@parentingpresently.com (Sarah Stirling) — Wed, 01 May 2024 12:58:25 GMT

With limited time and a lengthy, often repetitive and borderline Groundhog Day-like to-do list, when the heck are you supposed to bond with your kid? And with what energy are you supposed to be showing up for said bonding?

If you’re working full time, you likely have just a few hours to spend with your kids most days of the week, and those hours are at the end of a long day of work for you and a long day of school or daycare for your kids. Everyone is likely fatigued from having to hold it together all day, and dinner has to be made and eaten, baths taken, and bedtime routines completed. The situation is rife with meltdowns and attitudes from you, your partner, and your kids.

With limited time and a lengthy, often repetitive, and borderline Groundhog Day-like to-do list, when the heck are you supposed to bond with your kid? And with what energy are you supposed to show up for said bonding?

It can feel exhausting and next to impossible. And when goals are unattainable, we often think…why bother trying at all? Life is just hard, right?

Well, I’m here to say no matter how burnt out you feel or whatever patterns you’re set in right now — it’s not impossible to show up as you always dreamed you would, and simple changes can go a long way.

Here are three things you can do to show up as your best self in those precious few evening hours:

Build in a transition between the work day and family time.

I get it. Time is precious. There are just a few hours you can spend together. Adding another “thing” to the list of chores seems like a step in the wrong direction. But hear me out.

This transition does not have to be time-consuming.

The general idea is to signal to yourself that 1) the workday is done, 2) family time begins, and 3) it’s time to reset, leave the stressors of the workday behind, and be present for your family.

This could look like:

Taking a few deep, intentional breaths in your car before you drive to pick up your kids

Listening to a song that consistently uplifts your spirit

Finding a free 3-minute meditation on YouTube

Setting an intention for yourself for the evening, such as “I will put my phone down when my child speaks to me and give them my full, undivided attention” or “If I begin to feel overwhelmed, I will step out of the room for a few minutes and take several deep breaths rather than reacting immediately.”

Make playtime fun for everyone — yes, even YOU should be having fun during playtime.

There are 12 different languages of play. Play means something different to everyone, and finding common ground between you and your child is important. In my 10-week transformational parenting program, a whole week is dedicated specifically to this topic.

If it isn’t fun, it’s not play, and if you’re not having fun, your kid can sense that. The time you spend with them “faking it” will not fulfill them, and they will continue asking, “Mommy, will you play with me?” Fifteen minutes of play with your kid where you’re present, engaged, and having fun is greater than an hour where you’re faking it—quality vs. quantity.

So…do you HATE building with Legos? Does the messiness of Play-Doh infuriate you? Is pretend play just too hard? Will you explode if you read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom one more time? Whatever activity your kid loves, and you can’t stand, suggest something else. You matter in this equation, too.

Play that appeals to you is specific to your languages of play, but here are a few suggestions that I personally enjoy:

Try something physical, like hide-and-seek. This game is fun for a variety of age groups. I recently played hide-and-seek with my 4-year-old, 1-year-old, and brother, and I felt like a kid again. Watching a toddler try to play is hilarious, and the spots my 4-year-old found to hide are impressive. It also burned some serious energy, which I appreciated when bedtime rolled around. Sometimes, we even hide objects, and my kids love to look for them. This game was inspired by Easter egg hunts, which my kids wanted to make a daily occurrence.

Watch something that will make you both laugh. If you have older kids, watching funny YouTube videos and laughing together is time well-spent and makes for good jokes later.

Board games. We started with simple board games as young as age 3. Nothing humbles you quite like playing a memory-matching game with a 3-year-old and genuinely losing. I was no match for her a year ago, and she still wins sometimes, but it’s fun for me to try.

Get outside. This option is almost always a good one, whether playing in a sandbox, riding bikes, or going for a walk and catching up on your days. With summer approaching, getting outside in the evening after work and school is a valid option.

Compassion, compassion, compassion.

Some days are just hard. We can’t always show up the way we intend to, and we can’t constantly be engaging and present.

Here are a few suggestions for those discouraging evenings when you aren’t the parent you hoped you’d be:

Apologize if it feels right. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Mommy had a rough day today, and I’m feeling sad. My frustration right now has nothing to do with you. Tomorrow is a new day to try again.” Without your explanation, your child’s brain will create a story where THEY are the problem, and THEY did something wrong to cause your mood and distance. A simple apology or explanation can go a long way.

Show yourself compassion. We all experience rough seasons of life. Be gentle with yourself as you would with a good friend. You’re a good mom or dad.

Give yourself a break. The daily grind wears us all down. Can you plan one evening a week when you go out to do something for yourself? If not, how about one evening a month? Signal to yourself that you matter, too, by making a plan to take care of yourself. In so doing, it will be easier to show up for everyone around you the rest of the time.

Well, there you have it, three simple changes to go from burnout to bonding, to create the foundation for the relationship you’d always envisioned you’d have with your children. But simple isn’t always easy, and knowing is only half the battle. If this speaks to you and you’re ready to commit to change, coaching is the leap that will get you there. Change is always possible, and it’s never too late.

Why would I hire a parent coach?

sarah@parentingpresently.com (Sarah Stirling) — Mon, 15 Apr 2024 02:18:12 GMT

Let me take you back to your first season of little league...

Let’s address the elephant in the room.

If this is your first time hearing the term “parent coach,” there’s a good chance this sounds fluffy and completely unnecessary.

But hear me out.

When we hear the term “coach,” the first thing that comes to mind for most of us is sports. And why do we have coaches for sports?

Let me take you back to your first season of little league. You saw someone playing baseball and said, “Mommy, Daddy, sign me up!” You (sort of) understand the sport conceptually, but putting that into practice is a skill that you had to learn...from said coach.

Then, you progressed and become a more advanced baseball player. Did you ditch the coach? No. There’s always a coach. You started learning more advanced techniques, you deepened your practice and extended your capabilities to become better at the game, both physically and mentally.

Anyways, back to parenting.

When you first become a parent, why wouldn’t you hire a coach?

The presumed answer is that we are supposed to know how to parent, because we were parented by our own parents.

So…just do what your parents did, right?

(Tell this to the new parents taking their baby home from the hospital for the first time. I remember being appalled upon discharge. You’re just going to let me walk out of here with this thing, with no further instruction? Preposterous! But I digress…)

Have you heard the saying that we all become our parents? This common phrase has more scientific truth to it than most people realize, due to what’s called “generational patterns.” Meaning, our nervous systems are programmed in the earliest years of our lives to respond to stressful situations as our parents did. We pass on our responses to stress, conflict, affection, you name it, mostly from how our parents responded to us.

Do you find yourself yelling when your kids don’t listen to you, even though you really don’t want to yell? Do you find yourself shutting down emotionally in response to your child’s big feelings? Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict with your child? Taking away their precious items to punish them when you’ve had enough? Telling them to stop their crying or sending them away to process their feelings?

The list goes on and on.

Whatever your response to conflict, it’s likely due to an inherited pattern, and not your fault.

That said, these ingrained responses are not fostering connection, mutual respect, or confidence, and they’re not setting your family up to have the relationships you likely hope to have with your children in the long run.

So how do we respond differently?

That’s where I can help.

I’ve been where you are - stressed, overwhelmed, guilty, unsure.

Luckily for me, I stumbled upon a parent coach on social media. I was at my own personal rock bottom. It felt like a huge risk - my time, my money…what if it didn’t work?

Ultimately, through my exploratory conversation with my coach, we flipped the narrative.

What if it did work?

Transformation took hold in my home in a matter of weeks. Nearly 6 months on the other side, we continue to grow and evolve as a family in ways I would never have imagined.

I was so inspired by the transformation I witnessed in my own home that I became a parent coach myself.

It doesn’t matter where you’re at now. You can have children who collaborate with you rather than struggle for power, who run toward you when something is wrong rather than shutting you out. You can deepen your relationship with your children and have peace in your home.

Take the first step. Let’s talk.